Methods of Protection...

Archived from LBFCA 2005-06-22


A Timely PSA...

You may remember the BABY BOOM of '04. There may even be some among us who have had to redirect thoughts of early retirement back to tasks of shopping for baby food and potty training...
And even though most of our ovaries may twitch at the sight of THIS...


FANTASY is one thing...
 
REALITY is quite another.
 
Cuz babies of Rock Stah's still tend to poop and cry and spit up and keep you up all night just like the rest of 'em... and though your 15 minutes of fame might seem worth it... for those 15 minutes… trust me, no one will be thinking about YOU sitting at home with all those mashed potatoes and peas stuck to your hair while THEY are happily "stuck" to those great seats in Section 1 Row A.

Of course Clay would... if he KNEW...
 
But that's the rub.

**Note: If you feel you are young enough or energetic enough to brave this adventure... please feel free to bypass this PSA and proceed directly to the Guestbook.

But back to the fastly approaching JBT… and this very important PSA.

Because believe it or not... it is finally the time to begin preparing.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
There are many options of protection available. Please be aware, however, that some of these have proven to be more effective than others.
 
The first and most effective means of all, of course, is just to avoid the DANGER ZONE... altogether.


This method has proven to be virtually fail-safe... however, for many, it has also been known to intensify symptoms of PMS...

The Calendar method seems to be fairly effective as well... or at least we haven't HEARD of any casualties during the recent months of January... February... March... April... May... or June…


Along the same vein... the Withdrawal method has also proven to be quite reliable, however some do experience side effects, such as severe depression and diminished enjoyment, which has been known to continue for months on end. Therefore, we don't recommend it.

The Barrier method has also been found to be very effective...


...but it does have it's drawback.

As in that ONE TIME he forgot to wear his contact lenses...



**as hundreds of women across the globe sacrifice JNT in December two years running due to pre-committed birthday party celebrations... where the only melty things are those two little drippy candles...**
 
Don't let this happen to you! 

Please be proactive!

Here, a woman offers a testimonial to the effectiveness of another version of the barrier method... explaining that it is still possible, while wearing this, to actually get close enough to smell him... and still remain **somewhat** unaffected...



(Yeah... we didn't believe it at first either.)

However, she does go on to say that she was wise enough to use additional protection.

**A variety of over the counter products are available, which will not only increase the effectiveness of this method... but can add to the enjoyment of the experience as well.**



But...
Without a doubt... we have found the Rhythm method to be, hands down, the one to beat.



For the simple reason that this method is typically only used during independent, solo gigs... and involves very little, if any, audience participation. If you get what we mean... *wink wink*
And these just released... the newly patented line of Clay Aiken EF Repellent eyewear…
 


...which can be manually adjusted according to the intensity of the EF... and with nearly the same speed and craftiness...


jannet: OMG K'eh!... Remember THAT one? DC... right?


Karen: BINGO!... And WHEW!.. was that ever a close one, eh?
And they even look rather cute and sassy on some people...



Of course, as always, additional protection is the key…
 


**Note: No live model pic available for this one... as the only models we could think of who would look even semi-decent in THIS get-up are all now, thankfully... attending college...
 
WARNING!

DO NOT BE FOOLED by some of the "preventative measures" making their way around the Boards. Many of these are merely FADS and WILL NOT WORK. In fact some have been proven to have the completely reverse effect...

This one... for one.


As well as this one...


...and this one...


...and this one...


...and, um, this one...


* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

At any rate… CLEARLY, the message here is... RESPONSIBILITY.

It's Clay's job to get out there and SING!... and to share with us his special gift. The fact that his "gift" is potent beyond measure is completely beside the point.

It's OUR job to keep him looking like this...



...and not like this...


... because that would most likely lead to this...


and then so on...


and so on...


and so on...


* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Thank you for your attention to this very important and urgent Public Service Announcement.

Written and Photochopped by jannet

**With special thanks to K'eh for the inspiration…
**and, of course, to Wendy in FL for getting it up...

Baby Boom...

Archived from LBFCA 2005-02-19

A Fifty-Nine Minutes Exclusive Report

Good Evening Everyone, Justin Ankerman for Fifty-Nine Minutes.........

Have you ever wondered to what extent the Big Blackout of 2003 affected the birthrates, in those areas of the country, where people were without electricity for several days? Did you question whether statistics would show the same kind of population spike that was noted nine months following a similar Northeast blackout that took place in 1965?

Here at Fifty-Nine Minutes we wondered just that and assigned a team of crack investigators to investigate. We thought we had our report all sewn up, our information complete, and we were set to air our story months ago. It was right around that time when some unusual things came to our attention.

A brief article came across the wire describing how a small hospital in Golden Pastures, Florida was experiencing an unprecedented demand for obstetrical services. In the days that followed more unusual stories trickled in........all having to do with anomalies in the typical patterns of pregnancy and birth in this country. There appeared to be much more to this story than originally met the eye. Very much more and we told our team of investigators to keep digging. Their discovery? Not only had birthrates increased significantly in ALL areas of the country (and some parts of Canada...... to a lesser extent), several other phenomena were observed and these showed no regional or demographic boundaries.

Our findings will amaze and astound you. And in some ways, this could be taken as a public service announcement. Fifty-Nine Minutes has concluded that this unprecedented blip in the national birthrate, and the widespread age demographic affected, to be attributable to a spiky-haired heartthrob, a golden voiced crooner, and a much more potent.......Rock-Stah! Yes, ladies and gentlemen........It's all Clay Aiken's fault.........

Since the summer of 2003, Clay Aiken has taken his show on the road, touring countless arenas, theatres and state fairs across the length and breadth of the United States.........save a few particular locations he seems to be avoiding.

Throngs of female fans have flocked to his concerts where the estrogen levels have gotten so high, at times, that the sound engineers tell us they had to rework the board set-up to compensate for the sound of popping ovaries. Don't believe it? Well, we were skeptical ourselves, at first, but.........Here's what's happening in the cities, towns, and corporate offices of America (and to a lesser extent those in Canada). These images, largely, speak for themselves.

Green....our team saw green......not envy green.......lots of green, everywhere, on red haired babies.

They noted that requests for purple baby items at JC Nicklesworth have tripled since the 3rd quarter of 2004.

Little Teddy bears have all but gone into hibernation for this season's boy's wear.

And certain accessories are in soaring demand......

From head.........to toe....

This guy looked a little worried to find there were no clean white tee shirts that morning.

Bad Mommy! You need to buy more of these.........

And in a credit to superior market research, Johndson & Johndson introduced a new line of Cradle Cap Hair Gelly products to wildly receptive consumers.

Not to be outdone, and in an ingenious move of cross-promotion, rival Kimberley-Clark is now including coupons for Huggies inside Depends packages.

Certain high end "toys" are steadily increasing in popularity. Lap top computers.......

And fancy cars.........

Thousands of infants have been seen latching onto glass milk bottles in public.

And attempts to feed leftovers have met with extreme resistance.

Believe it or not this picture was taken in Oklahoma.........

Amazing!

We found some uncanny resemblances......like this one......

That really helped to drive our point home.

The similarities are really too numerous to mention.

But many times, throughout our investigation, we worried if this theory would fly with the network.

Delta Fawcett flies. She's logged over 18,000 miles in the air, winging her way to Aiken's sold out concerts. Her husband, D. N. Anott, who dutifully cares for little Claytina while her mother is gone, is shown here indulging the little one's passion for Breyer's peach ice cream. He once suggested, to his wife, that they could save a bundle on airfare if she could grow her own wings. Her reply to him? "You don't want that."

As summer turned into fall, our team hit the streets. We met Roberta who saw Aiken perform in something called a "Carolina Threefer" last spring.

This marvelous family portrait is framed and hangs on the livingroom wall of a woman who, not only did the "Carolina Threefer", but attended concerts in Atlanta, Miami and Tampa, as well. We saw several similar photographs in other livingrooms.

Scenes like this one played out all across the nation, as new mothers everywhere, answered the call to Raleigh in October.

Most of the men we interviewed conceded that they hadn't really seen all that much of their wives in the past year, but had to admit they were at least getting quality time these days.

Needless to say, this phenomenon has the scientific community a buzz. Drs. Meredith Viera and Diane Sawyer, top medical researchers from the former International Health Organization, revealed to us that they have been studying Aiken and his potent effect on women since November of 2003 . Confident their early work was right on the money; they expect to have some answers prior to another tour. Hopefully, their results will come soon and we'll have an explanation as to why thousands of women, who've never even MET Clay Aiken, are cramming the diaper aisles at Wynn Dixie and requesting "clayternity" leave from their jobs.

Of course, we will continue to follow this story in the months ahead. Aiken treated his fans to a 22 city Christmas Tour in November and December of 2004. Chances are there will be more than a few households experiencing some joyful noise come late summer and early fall.

When we eventually caught up with Aiken and asked for his comments. He had only this to say.........

So, that's all for tonight folks. Thank you for tuning us in and we hope you'll join Fifty-Nine Minutes next week when we delve into a revolutionary new method to treat addiction withdrawal. This is Justin Ankerman wishing you all a Goodnight and a fantastic week.

Cue music.......strains of "Invisible" and a cut away from the anchor desk.

Director: That's a wrap!

The female anchors, Mindy Milligan and Shelby St.James, unclip their microphones and rush to the ladies room. Shelby gets there first.

Mindy: Sid, you okay in there?
Shelby: I'll be fine......how 'bout you?
Mindy: It's getting better. Man, if we only had the guts to tell them, we could have saved the network a ton of money.
Shelby: I think I'd rather save my job. When are you due anyway?
Mindy: Middle of September........it's a girl.
Shelby: Hey! Me, too, and due on the nineteenth.
Mindy: Wallingford?
Shelby: Yeah, Wallingford......Madison Square Garden for you, right?
Mindy: Yup, MSG. Do you think they'll catch on.......you know......about us and THIS? *rubs hand gently across slightly protruding abdomen*
Shelby: I think we'll be okay. We might just want to skip those "Take Your Daughter to Work" days from now on, though.
Mindy: OMG, I'm starving! How about you? Craving anything?
Shelby: I'd kill for some Mac and Cheese and a couple of Krispy Kreme donuts.

Written by Karen Eh?

Photoshopped by jannet