Tuesday, September 30, 2008

Perceptions... Part 3

And right after this, I promise to move on to other things... like the state of the economy or somethin'.

Neither of which, to be quite honest, will ever be quite as distressing to many of us as this was...

::I assure you::

But yeah, we all see things so differently. So many, many variations on the same theme... even though I may have already expressed that thought... as in, perhaps, ad nauseum?

So here are a couple of things that we can probably ALL see the same way on. Even if what we're seeing isn't really what we're seeing. But still, since we think we're seeing it... it still kinda works.

*click for the better illusion*

Somehow, in a funny sort of way, this makes sense to me.

Anyway...Best Blog on the subject so far. IMHO.

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Sunday, September 28, 2008

Perceptions... Part 2

We all see things differently. And generally the way we see them first sticks out in our minds as the only way to see them. But then, sometimes, if we can just let our minds relax and look a little closer, the other way becomes a bit clearer.

Here are a couple of other examples you’ve probably seen before… and so have most likely already trained yourself to see them both ways.

An initial view of something is usually more difficult to compromise.

So that’s what I’m working on now.

The reason for writing this blog is a bit puzzling to me in the first place, because my initial reaction was like.. Yeah, ok… so let’s get on with it.

I thought it would probably take about a day or two for everyone to get over it and then all would all just have some big collective “Yeah, ok” too.

I was really wrong.

There are two parts to this Part Two. The first being the ability to try and understand opposing viewpoints and the second being what caused me to see it my way in the first place. I’ll start with the second one first…

I remember that day during college when my, at the time, bf told me he was gay. I was shocked. Completely! Gay people didn’t even walk the streets. Did they? Didn’t they all just hoard out together in some sort den of iniquity somewhere or something? Keep in mind, this was in the early 70’s. But anyway, despite it all, we still (somehow) ended up remaining really good friends…

It wasn’t long after that that I met another bf, who btw soon became my bff and still is to this day. (haha, you know who you are and I know you are lurking) Anyway, this time I didn’t feel a great need to ask.

Fast forward and with major [snips]… being in collegiate and then professional theatre for years brought me some of the greatest friendships I have ever known. Not to be stereotypical about the profession or anything, but face it, it is rather abundant in there. Still, many of them were women, some of them were straight men (in fact I even ended up marrying one, or two)… but the majority of the friends I've had in my life have been gay.

So during those weeks of watching Clay on Idol (long before I’d ever known about message boards or before I began diluting my mind with delusions and other perceptions) I just pretty much took it as fact. I was completely comfortable. Didn't think much more about it. He was to me, simply awesome! That was all. And it was more than enough.

“Rolling Stone” sealed the deal for me in regards to his candidness. His self-assurity. The b&w picture of gah!.. But I did have to read that one sentence over and over again to be completely sure he’d said what I thought he’d said.

But then… I started “Googling” and came across the LBFCA (Lecherous Broads For Clay Aiken) and it was then that I think my initial perceptions shut down and my pheromones kicked in.

My delusions continued for about a year or so… and then little “things” started making me scratch my head. Even though I kept reverting back to that dang R.S…

And then I remembered how hindsight is 20/20. All of these men who I was bf’s with back in the day, hadn't always been completely convinced of it at the time. There were a lot of struggles with the concept as I remember. I mean, they probably totally knew they “were” looking back, but at the same time sometimes struggling somehow to be “not.” I also lived through a seven year relationship which proves to me this epiphany could be valid. As well, I have had the very mixed blessing of witnessing the tremendous freeing that occurs with final realization and acceptance. More than once.

And so, though I haven’t spoken of it much to anyone but my closest and newest friends, I have been feeling fairly comfortable with this possibility for a few years now. But have also been sensing a true holding back from him. For me, I just had this sensation that something wasn't quite real. That there was something he wasn’t quite saying. But it didn’t seem to be within my right to know what that was. So I continued to focus on the beautiful voice, the snarky wit, the wise-beyond-years soul and the awesome humanitarian. And well, that just still totally worked for me.

But then when I saw those headlines, my heart about burst. For him.

Do I wish it weren't true? Yes, sort of. But that’s only because of my own selfish perception of my own perfect world… The one in which I would have lots and lots of his babies with him. The normal way… haha (but omg, I’m SO far past that possibility!... even WAY long before this past week's news flash.)

And I just can't make myself believe any intentional lies were involved... But of course, then again, that's just me.

If I'd had a different life experience... I might not be writing this. I'm not sure where I'd be. It's possible that I never would have found him to begin with. And that's a thought I don't even want to think about.

And I know I probably could have found more appropriate pictorial examples to illustrate my points …

Still... to me, one of the most ironic things is that he seems even more like the lion now.

As for the second part…

I think the first part was probably enough.

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Saturday, September 27, 2008

Perceptions... Part 1

It’s been a really interesting week in the Clay Nation…

And now that my retinas have been utterly burned and rendered useless by the 7,000 posts I’ve just read over at the official fan site… well let’s just say how very glad I am that one doesn’t need one's eyesight to type. (I love that little raised thingamabopper they always put on the keyboard F & J keys…)

The posts have pretty much run the gamut of A – Z in regards to emotions and opinions, with several finding comfort (or discomfort) zones at the very opposite extremes. But of course there have also been the many voices of reason... with one of the very gentlest being the voice of Clay.

I would love so much to be able to quote his post here, but that’s not within my rights. However, the gist of it was that we should all try to keep an open mind in regards to the many differing opinions and how he knew this would be very, very difficult for some. That we were allowed to say anything we wanted to about him, but that we should more continue to support each other. He also said that as much as he appreciates the intentions… we do not need to defend him. He’ll be okay.

So, why is all of this just breaking my heart? I truly feel it should be a cause for celebration. He’s still the same person he’s always been... except for probably a little happier... eventually. Nothing else at all has changed. Not for me. So I’m confused. I didn’t realize this would merit an upheaval of such great magnitude.

Here are a couple of things I posted on the day the ‘big’ announcement… So just for memrie's sake.

I felt socked in the gut for about 5 seconds, just because that FONT was so big, but then I just felt such a tremendous sense of relief for him. The timing is about as perfect as it could ever get... with the support of his cast right now. And thank God it would all just be over and done with. It just completely makes sense. So much lead up to this...[snip]

Anyway, I really don't know what to say! But whatever it would be... it would be positive.

Gawd, I'm just really happy for him right now. Can't explain it.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
I know I just posted... But also, just had an epiphany.

I have about 150 comments on my YouTube account which include the word Gayken. So I'm hoping that maybe they will cease and desist a bit now.

Wasn't it he who said "They can’t laugh at you if you laugh at yourself first... blah blah blah." Could somebody help me out with that quote? I'm too lazy right now to dig to the bottom of my tupperware box. It's in "Learning To Sing" I think.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
I am just hugely relieved that he finally did this. I think it was about 3 years ago when I just felt that this was the authentic Clay, but I didn't know if I'd live long enough to see him to finally take the step. I think having his precious little baby boy probably sealed the deal for him. I'll bet he feels like a huge weight has been lifted off his shoulders.

I don't think I've ever loved him as much as I do right now. The way I look at it, is that when he came off of Idol, he was a "green" nobody from Raleigh who suddenly got thrust onto the national stage with no preparation for how to deal with the media, etc. He probably was given "advice" about how to field certain questions but didn't think about the long-term ramifications of his chosen words. I’m sure he's regretted some of the things he's said over the years in interviews and wishes he could go back and rephrase them a bit. Which I'm sure we've all wished we could do at some point time. In a perfect world…

We just all see things SO differently… It doesn't mean anyone's wrong. Not at all.

Next up… My own E-True Story. hahaha

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Wednesday, September 24, 2008


That's all I got for now.

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Sunday, September 21, 2008

I Wish I'd Known...

This story starts with a little walk down 44th Street on a rather drizzly night. I'd just finished seeing Spam for the third time and me and some friends had met up with my BFF who still lives in Manhattan and we were just running over to her apartment for a while to catch up on some quality time and a little QVC... And somehow the question came up, "So, have you ever seen the movie Billy Elliot?" Out of the blue. Just like that.

"Huh, wuzzit, who?" I asked.

"You're a dancer... and you've never seen it? Seriously? Well you just HAVE to! You'll love it! Trust me!" she said.

Well, that was like six months ago and for some reason it's continued to haunt my mind because of that little dig and everytime I pass a video store I think... "oh gawd, I probably should just rent the dang movie, just so that I can tell her I did."

So yesterday I finally caved... It cost me a about a buck fifty plus tax.


Anyway, I'll just let you meander through these videos that I found on YouTube. Luckily, you can pretty much find just about anything these days on YouTube...

Billy Elliot ~ The 2000 film written by Lee Hall and directed by Stephen Daltry ~ Movie Trailor

Billy's Dance...

A scene from the West End theatre production 2006:

"Electricity" performed by Elton John:

Billy Elliot ~ Opens on Broadway October 1st 2008!!!

I SO Wish I'd Known! If you get my drift. And some of you probably do...

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Friday, September 19, 2008

Spam... Reheated!

Ok... so I have to admit that I'm a wee bit upset with myself for not making plans to be there tonight. And why do I always do this? Wait too long to move on things! I mean, I thought I was marginally ok with the idea of just logging onto the message boards and getting tonight's scoop. But now, it is such a beautiful night here where I am and I'll bet even a more beautiful night in New York City. On 44th Street in particular.

And then he blogged... on tonight of all nights. Saying that he was FOREVER, FOREVER in love with us!... and then farted in our general direction. And sigh, I guess you just have to kind of understand Clay to realize how he probably thought that would be endearing... And ok, I guess it kind of was in a Clay sort of way. Because I think he knows that we will always love him FOREVER, FOREVER too. Regardless of pretty much anything else... or whichever way the wind blows.

As for the latest contest... The one about him wanting one of us to write his bio? I'm also a little behind on that as well, since today was the deadline. I at least started one though, and it went sort of something like this...

Clay Aiken's talent of turning his feet around has finally paid off... Because he's headed back to Broadway! Best known to the world for his American Idol fame he is also a multi-platinum recording artist with albums such as "Measure of A Man", "Merry Christmas With Love", "A Thousand Different Ways", and "On My Way Here." To his fans, however, the measure of the man (ahem) at times exceeds his many professional accomplishments.

As a U.N.I.C.E.F. Ambassador and advocate for children with special needs and disabilities, Clay spends a good deal of time... away from blogging on his fan site. But we're all cool with it... because when he DOES blog we're all like *SaWOON* and it makes all of the long and endless periods of silence so totally worth it!

Oh yes, and Also, as a much accomplished author, he co-authored the book "Learning To Sing - Hearing The Music In Your Life" which not only gave his fans a huge insight to young Clay but also provided them with a bunch of new yummy recipes. I tried one out last Thanksgiving, but I obviously don't have that southern "touch."

And he's also been on pretty much every TV show imaginable,except "Sex And The City."

As well, Clay loves to issue challenges. Haha, like these. And he knows we'll always at least attempt them, even if we don't always make the deadlines... Remember The Christmas one? I didn't submit it. And there've been a whole lot more of them too.

Anyway, welcome back Clay! We've missed you! And dontcha know there's gonna be a whole new edge to those poopy pants parts this time around?

Yeah, for sure I'm not gonna submit that one either...
Break A Leg Clay!

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Friday, September 12, 2008

A Contraddiction?... Maybe.

And I'm not sure which one of them would be the most... baffled, perplexed, bothered/bewildered... Mortified?... or just plain "squicked out" by this association. Me? Well I completely get them both. But I guess I'm just a diversified kind of gal... And well, I guess you probably couldn't get much more diversified with your addictions if you tried.Anyway, hopefully neither one of them will ever see this...

Nic Sheff... Beautiful Boy. I can SO understand his father's pain and all he must have gone through to help bring him back to the living. He really was a beautiful boy! Still is. Alive and well... getting better.

Yet he struggles... And he talks about those struggles on his blog daily (long since removed). And I've somehow found myself addicted. To him? His story? His writing? I'm not sure.

But I adore his honesty. I'm so proud of him and bow to his courageous and raw ramblings.

And then there's Clay Aiken...

Who I would still follow to the ends of the earth if I had to. And I kind of HAVE, I mean if Houston counts...

The voice of an angel, UNICEF Ambassador, Advocate for Children with Special Needs, perfect son, indispensable friend, wonderful father, magnet to millions, funny as h*ll, as good as it gets. But who has also been known to be a bit reckless and irresponsible in his day as well. He just doesn't like to talk about it.

So why do I always fall for the bad boys?..

But seriously. There's really nothing at all that I can find to explain why I would be so riveted by two such opposite ends of the spectrum, and yet I am. They both move me. They are both brilliant communicators. With really big hearts. Both on this very earth... at this very time... and each doing his best in his own way. It's just that one of them really likes to blog and the other one really...doesn't.

Clay returns to Spamalot on September 19th!

Nic continues with his writing and recovery.

While I just keep looking forward to incredible things...

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