Sunday, September 28, 2008

Perceptions... Part 2

We all see things differently. And generally the way we see them first sticks out in our minds as the only way to see them. But then, sometimes, if we can just let our minds relax and look a little closer, the other way becomes a bit clearer.

Here are a couple of other examples you’ve probably seen before… and so have most likely already trained yourself to see them both ways.

An initial view of something is usually more difficult to compromise.

So that’s what I’m working on now.

The reason for writing this blog is a bit puzzling to me in the first place, because my initial reaction was like.. Yeah, ok… so let’s get on with it.

I thought it would probably take about a day or two for everyone to get over it and then all would all just have some big collective “Yeah, ok” too.

I was really wrong.

There are two parts to this Part Two. The first being the ability to try and understand opposing viewpoints and the second being what caused me to see it my way in the first place. I’ll start with the second one first…

I remember that day during college when my, at the time, bf told me he was gay. I was shocked. Completely! Gay people didn’t even walk the streets. Did they? Didn’t they all just hoard out together in some sort den of iniquity somewhere or something? Keep in mind, this was in the early 70’s. But anyway, despite it all, we still (somehow) ended up remaining really good friends…

It wasn’t long after that that I met another bf, who btw soon became my bff and still is to this day. (haha, you know who you are and I know you are lurking) Anyway, this time I didn’t feel a great need to ask.

Fast forward and with major [snips]… being in collegiate and then professional theatre for years brought me some of the greatest friendships I have ever known. Not to be stereotypical about the profession or anything, but face it, it is rather abundant in there. Still, many of them were women, some of them were straight men (in fact I even ended up marrying one, or two)… but the majority of the friends I've had in my life have been gay.

So during those weeks of watching Clay on Idol (long before I’d ever known about message boards or before I began diluting my mind with delusions and other perceptions) I just pretty much took it as fact. I was completely comfortable. Didn't think much more about it. He was to me, simply awesome! That was all. And it was more than enough.

“Rolling Stone” sealed the deal for me in regards to his candidness. His self-assurity. The b&w picture of gah!.. But I did have to read that one sentence over and over again to be completely sure he’d said what I thought he’d said.

But then… I started “Googling” and came across the LBFCA (Lecherous Broads For Clay Aiken) and it was then that I think my initial perceptions shut down and my pheromones kicked in.

My delusions continued for about a year or so… and then little “things” started making me scratch my head. Even though I kept reverting back to that dang R.S…

And then I remembered how hindsight is 20/20. All of these men who I was bf’s with back in the day, hadn't always been completely convinced of it at the time. There were a lot of struggles with the concept as I remember. I mean, they probably totally knew they “were” looking back, but at the same time sometimes struggling somehow to be “not.” I also lived through a seven year relationship which proves to me this epiphany could be valid. As well, I have had the very mixed blessing of witnessing the tremendous freeing that occurs with final realization and acceptance. More than once.

And so, though I haven’t spoken of it much to anyone but my closest and newest friends, I have been feeling fairly comfortable with this possibility for a few years now. But have also been sensing a true holding back from him. For me, I just had this sensation that something wasn't quite real. That there was something he wasn’t quite saying. But it didn’t seem to be within my right to know what that was. So I continued to focus on the beautiful voice, the snarky wit, the wise-beyond-years soul and the awesome humanitarian. And well, that just still totally worked for me.

But then when I saw those headlines, my heart about burst. For him.

Do I wish it weren't true? Yes, sort of. But that’s only because of my own selfish perception of my own perfect world… The one in which I would have lots and lots of his babies with him. The normal way… haha (but omg, I’m SO far past that possibility!... even WAY long before this past week's news flash.)

And I just can't make myself believe any intentional lies were involved... But of course, then again, that's just me.

If I'd had a different life experience... I might not be writing this. I'm not sure where I'd be. It's possible that I never would have found him to begin with. And that's a thought I don't even want to think about.

And I know I probably could have found more appropriate pictorial examples to illustrate my points …

Still... to me, one of the most ironic things is that he seems even more like the lion now.

As for the second part…

I think the first part was probably enough.

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Deb - aka Belly said...

I sure do envy your writing ability! I'm so excited for what the future holds for him, that Lion, our Clay!

Thomas said...

Bravo, my dear friend.
I hope your very gifted explanation and personal experiences will be of help to others. You never cease to amaze me.
with love from Burbank.

Ashes said...

I enjoyed reading this entry, thanks.